Wednesday, Oct 01, 2014
Christmas Wish

Some feet are perfect; some aren't


Published:   |   Updated: February 22, 2014 at 03:59 PM

Some people just have nice feet. Take me for instance, my feet are perfect. I have two of the nicest feet you will ever encounter. My toes are just where they should be, and they are the proper length and thickness.

Of course, my wife and 13-year-old son disagree, but what do they know?

My wife's feet are fine except for the fact that it looks like she got her toes from 10 different people. She is quite proud of her digital manipulation abilities with those paddles.

What I am trying to say is she can pick things up with her toes.

Big deal, I can pick things up with my perfect little toldiers (that's a new compound word I just made up for toes and soldiers) as well. I think just about everyone can. Is it just me or does it seem like females are so proud of this ability . it's OK, guys, let them think they are special and unique - just like everyone else.

So, anyway, back to the point. My perfect feet have apparently made my wife and son so jealous that they are willing to lie about how they look in order to save a little face.

Don't they know that I don't expect them to have feet like mine?

My son says my feet look fat and "squished up." So tell me, how can feet look both fat and "squished up" at the same time? That's how I know he is just saying whatever he can to try to make himself feel better.

Poor kid, he has his mother's feet.

At least he is not delusional and thinking he is the only person in the world that can pinch a sock between their toes and pick it up.

My wife never said anything bad about my feet until I subtly put the subject on the table by declaring one day, "I have nice feet. Just look at them, aren't they nice?"

Of course she lied and said, "Are you kidding, no! You have horrible feet!"

Jealously is an ugly thing, folks.

Of course, when I go to the nail salon to have my twice yearly pedicure, they have to get out the "special" stuff. The cheese grater thing that they use for callouses comes out of a special drawer when I arrive.

I can tell by the shiny, pristine metal that not everyone gets this royal treatment. They probably don't want to transfer regular, average foot essence to my glorious trotters.

Usually they have to go get one of the more experienced pedicurists because they don't want to risk a lawsuit by goofing up the perfection that grows at the bottoms of my ankles.

When she takes a deep breath and asks how long since last time I came in I know she is just trying to hide her excitement.

Usually, when I tell them every six months, they say, "Oh no, you should come every month, your feet are no good."

I know they really mean they are not good, they are great! They just want to see them more.

Sorry, pedicurist who did not get to help me. Maybe next time.

I love my wife and she is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing about her or her feet.

This Christmas I bought her a gift that was really a gift for the whole family: a few nice pair of soft house socks to help her hide her inferior peds. If mine were so bad, wouldn't she do the same for me?

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