"Hi. I'm Sally."
"You know. Charlie Brown's happy, sassy, little sister."
"You don't exactly look like her."
"Well, that's because I'm also NCIS Agent Tim McGee."
"You know. The brainy guy on the television show NCIS."
"Yeah, right. But you certainly don't look like him either."
"That's because I'm only him on the inside, and I'm also Jean-Luc Piccard, the captain on Star Trek."
"Don't tell me, you're only him on the inside too. Right?"
"Bingo. But that's obvious, since I'm not a man, nor am I bald, though I used to be. (But that's a whole other story). Perhaps I'd better explain."
You see, I just checked my "facebook" page and found many of my friends and family members had answered some fancy online questionnaires to discover who they really are. And, of course, they sent me links so I could do the same. I figured I knew myself, but thought, hey, it might be fun to give it a try. Only now I'm unsure how to interpret my results.
Though my favorite color is green, the tests show I'm actually blue, which doesn't mean I'm sad. It means I'm "famously consistent and wish that everybody would just get along." I'm also the one my friends turn to "when they need advice, a cup of herbal tea, and a hug."
I know what you're thinking, "Sounds like a cross between a barber and Alice in Wonderland."
That's nothing, wait till you factor in that I'm also a stegosaurus, according to the questionnaire "Which Jarassic Park dinosaur are you?" It says I'm "not looking for a fight, but fierce in defense of my babies." Well, that's actually true so I kept going.
The "Which fairy tale creature are you?" questionnaire told me I'm a unicorn, which means three things: my life is structured and uncomplicated; my friends look up to me as an example of moral purity; and my character leaves a long-lasting impression of majesty. That's right, "majesty." And if that didn't make you either puke or die laughing, wait till you hear the next one.
According to the "Which fruit are you?" questionnaire, I'm a grape. No, it doesn't mean I'm a wino. It means I'm "adaptable and intelligent, always one step ahead of the rest, and friends often rely on me to know the answer to any question." Oh, gag me with a spoon!
After all that, I was going to just laugh it off and go back to daydreaming about retirement. But then I spied the "Where should you live?" questionnaire. Ah, this one might actually prove helpful to a girl of Scottish heritage who loves Celtic history, has always wanted to visit the United Kingdom, yet longs to live closer to her kids (in three different U.S. states).
Wrong. It seems the ideal place for me is French Polynesia, which consists of Tahiti, Bora Bora and the Marqueses Islands . in the South Pacific!
So, after more than an hour responding to silly Internet queries, the real insight gained is this: it does not pay to let Facebook friends influence your decision making, whether about the rest of your life, or just which links to follow. However, if you'd like to test it out for yourself, all of the above queries originated on web pages known as Buzzfeed and Quizsocial.
You know, sometimes I think the Obama gang may have one good idea after all - let's just give control of the whole freakin' Internet to any foreign country dumb enough to take it.